Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Gray day

I am a very lucky person to be blessed with so much.  I have been given so many opportunities and have had so many wonderful people in my life.  I do my best to be a happy person because I have so much to be grateful for.  And after all, who wants to hang out with Debbie Downer?

But today I had a gray day.  A day where everything felt off/wrong, and everything I tried to accomplish did not go as planned.  By mid-afternoon I gave up and went back to bed.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but I've decided to try again tomorrow.  Rather than spreading my gray day to other people I would rather keep it contained and avoid others from being infected with my frustrations.

My day was not without one triumph - I got to talk to my boyfriend (DB) via Skype for about 30 minutes.  I was able to tell him how I was feeling (disconnected, lonely) which was a real victory for me because I've been keeping it all inside for awhile now.

Ever since he left in November, I've sent messages via email and facebook nearly every day or every other day.  Most of my messages are just the day-to-day happenings that go on in my life.  Unfortunately I hear back from DB very infrequently, so I told him that it was really bothering me that I didn't hear more from him.  He explained to me that due to the busy nature of his job, he just doesn't get much downtime in his chu.  He is able to talk on Skype maybe once a week and send a message here and there, but that he would try to make an effort to send more messages.

It was the first time since he left that I felt like we actually "talked" to each other.  I've never been a fan of small talk, but I understand sometimes that's just what happens.  In the 30 min that I talked to him, I was very emotional, but it was such a relief to actually feel again.

I have a group of friends that are either dating or married to someone in the military, and one of their stories constantly haunts me.  She told me about how her husband came home for R&R and she had such a hard time connecting with him again.  She felt like they had become strangers to each other since he first deployed, but it wasn't the fault of either person, but rather a result of what the deployment had done to their relationship.  She had to emotionally shut down to keep from missing her husband so much, and her husband had to shut down as well so he could perform well on his missions.  Other than breaking up with my boyfriend, this is my #1 fear right now: disconnecting from  my boyfriend.  I expect that it will happen to a certain degree as the deployment progresses, but I am so afraid of having to start all over once he's home.

In the words of the CSM, I am determined to "not just survive but thrive during this deployment".  Here's to a sunny day tomorrow.


  1. I just started following you. New to the whole blogging business and saw you on MilSpouse Blog page. So first off, Hi! I'm Angie.

    Now I wanna tell you that I know exactly how you feel. My husband just came back from a 1 year deployment, so I know how hard it can be. He was gone for almost 3 weeks before I heard from him. I had my family asking about him, his family asking, and myself--wondering where he was, how he was, and all. Honestly. Patience is truly the key to getting through it. He had to help me understand at some places the location is so small they don't have access to things like the internet to make contact. If they have phones, there's always a line/long wait to even use it and you're limited so that others have the opportunity. You just have find the patience to tolerate it, and support him overall with anything he may need.

  2. My fiance left in July, and has yet to come home for his R&R. I am also very afraid of the same thing. Ive had a few of those breakdowns with him as well, and I have gotten very frustrated with the lack of connection between the two of us. I am hoping that reconnecting is too difficult for us, and I hope it isn't bad for you either!

  3. Break downs are a good thing. And him seeing (hearing) one is also a good thing. Not saying every conversation should be a dumping but you know, once in a while. The disconnection can come into play when you stop saying how you really feel. When you put on the front that nothing bothers you, that could also come off to him that you don't miss him. There is begin strong and then there is begin real. I am sure he would rather real. Frustrations and all. **I did say to my husband (of 10yrs) that while you are gone I will TRY to have my melt downs in writing and save the phone calls for Laughs. Usually by the time I have it all written out I feel better and can edit just a little so it all isn't a blast at how I hate this deployment and on and on.

    PS. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting. Glad I am not alone in my silly smiles after a phone call or online chat.