Sunday, January 23, 2011

Happy tears

I am not a fan of Sundays, mainly because it means that the weekend is over and a new week of activities is coming up (which is often composed of schoolwork).  But there are two things I particularly love about Sundays: going to church to spend an hour with God and reading the updated PostSecret blog.  It updates every week late Saturday night, and I just love reading the new secrets.  Many are sad, but some are funny, and most all are inspirational.  It really makes me reflect on my own secrets and how I would send them in.  Well this week they had a video posted in addition to the regular secrets.  There was a guy at one of the PostSecret events who proposed to his girlfriend on stage.  I watched the video in YouTube and of course started clicking on the related links.  Soon I was watching other proposal videos, then military proposal videos, then military homecoming proposals and then just normal military homecoming videos.

One of my favorite scenes from a homecoming video

I had plans to get a lot of studying done tonight, but no, like a crack addict looking for a fix I kept clicking on video after video to see more happy families reuniting with their military loved ones.  I literally sat at my computer watching military proposals/homecoming videos for two straight hours with big tears rolling down my cheeks.  Happy tears, but tears nonetheless.  I started to get ahold of myself, but then I clicked on a video of a military person reuniting with their dog after a deployment and then that just opened up a whole new can of worms - more adorable videos and more crying.  What is wrong with me, why do I put myself through this torture?

I was lucky enough to hear from DB this afternoon; we got to talk for 45min via Skype and it was so awesome to hear from him.  I have actually been quite proud of myself, because for the past week I have not been continually reminded about how much I miss him.  Most of it relates to school starting up in full swing so I really haven't had a moment to breathe and reflect, but some small part of me hopes that I am finally starting to adjust better to him being gone.  After all, come next week he will have been gone for 3 months.  That should be enough time to adjust, shouldn't it?  I don't expect to ever be completely ok that he's deployed, but I would assume that an adjusted feeling would eventually come around.  I know that I've been slowly emotionally shutting down, but I don't want to completely shut down.  I want to feel ok.

I've also recently come to the realization that I don't remember what DB smells like, the way his hair and clothes smell.  I don't remember what it feels like to cuddle next to him, which breaks my heart a little bit.  He always comes out of the shower smelling like Irish Spring, and if it starts to bother me enough I may just buy some Irish Spring at Walmart.  I found out today that his old roommate (who is PCSing at the end of April) has the key to DB's storage unit so that he can return DB's vacuum before he leaves.  Before he leaves, the roommate will leave the key for me to keep for DB.  I was really surprised because I thought that DB brought the key with him overseas, but we didn't really talk about it - I just knew that his things would be safe while he was away.  So I was thinking tonight about how once I get the key, I may go by his storage place and pull out some of his clothes, something to remind me of him.  I have one of his sweatshirts, but it has been washed many times by now and doesn't smell like him.  Then maybe I shouldn't go to the storage unit because it'll just remind him of me more and then I'll miss him more.  I'm pretty torn, but I have until Aprilish to decide if I'll do anything.

I am an emotional wreck now after watching those videos; that was a really stupid idea to watch them in the first place, but it certainly made me happy before I remembered that I still have 5 months before I get to see my boyfriend on R&R.  By that time it will have been 8 months since I last got to hug him, and that's just R&R, not the end of the deployment, and who knows when that will be...

My apologies that this post ended up being more rambling than I had planned on.  But then again, that's why I started this blog - to "blog it all out".  I am now going to go pretend to care about Radiology for another two hours or so before I call it a night.


  1. I'll give you hugs. I know it's not the same.

  2. *hug* you can smell me if you want. ;)

  3. Geez, thanks for turning me into a blubbering idiot! No really, that is a really sweet video. My oldest son was looking at me like I was crazy when I was watching it because I was sobbing.